


Never Stop

by KaitiDidd



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AI, Ash - Freeform, Ashton - Freeform, Calum - Freeform, F/M, Irwin - Freeform, LH, Luke - Freeform, MC - Freeform, Michael - Freeform, cal - Freeform, ch - Freeform, clifford, hemmings, hood, mikey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitiDidd/pseuds/KaitiDidd





	Never Stop

It took five hours for Ashton to work up the courage to go in the nursery; and as he looked down at the tiny newborn, all he could hear was a continuous flat line ringing through his ears. This little human was depending on him now, when all he could think about was giving up. He didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s life, but as he glanced over at the “ _ **FATHER**_ ” bracelet that clung to his wrist, he knew he had no choice. He had no choice but to move passed what happened right down the hall. He had no choice but to take his daughter home and care for her.

While securing the infant seat into the back of his car, Ashton tried to ignore how much the seats smelled like his wife and how many of her things were left on the floor. He focused all of his attention on getting home. He wouldn’t allow himself to glance up at his favorite photo of her that he kept tucked under the visor. He wouldn’t allow himself to think about how empty the seat next to him was or how quiet the air was that filled the car. He wasn’t going to allow himself to think of anything that reminded him of her because he needed to be strong – for himself and Audree. He couldn’t let anything get to him; he couldn’t be weak.

It was Ashton’s very first night with Audree. She was sound asleep in her bassinet, but he was wide-awake. The large king bed felt too big and too empty for him to get comfortable. He knew staying strong would be the most difficult late at night, when there was nothing to distract him from the large void in his life. Ashton missed his wife and every time he looked over at their daughter, he missed her more. He was so hyper-aware of how much she looked like her mother: her eyes were the same shade of green, her hair was the same ginger color, and her nose was the same pixie shape. Looking at Audree made him miss the company of his wife – his best friend – more than anything.

They were driving home from a late lunch with Allison’s parents. Sheets of rain fell down on the car, making it difficult for Ashton to see the road ahead. Every time he had to swerve to avoid some sort of debris that had blown onto the road during the storm, he would look over at his wife. She would smile at him and rub her pregnant belly to let him know she was okay. He would smile back and focus his attention back on the road. They were only a mile away from home when it happened. Ashton was turning off the highway that led into town when he was completely blinded by an oncoming car’s high beams. He slammed on his breaks in an attempt to not drive while being unable to see, but the tires couldn’t grip the soaked asphalt. His mind could register lights flashing around him and the sound of crunching metal.

When his vision finally came to, his head ached and he was being dragged out of the car with glass falling around him. He caught sight of Allison being cut out of the car and she wasn't moving. Her eyes were closed. Her head was bleeding. Ashton screamed and struggled against the arms that held him up. There were people all around, watching the scene unfold. As his wife was pulled out of the car, her entire body was limp. Lifeless. He didn't have the energy in him to struggle anymore. Tears filled his eyes as an EMT checked his vitals and he watched his wife and unborn child get loaded into the back of an ambulance. The drawn out tone of someone flat lining filled his ears and Ashton woke up, his entire body soaked in sweat. Audree was screaming in her bassinet next to him.

Physically and emotionally drained, Ashton forced himself out of bed and over to his daughter. He changed her diaper, he got her a bottle, and he cuddled her while he fed her. He could do this; he could be her dad and take care of her without his wife around. As he cuddled her, he found himself humming the tune of Allison’s favorite song. He watched Audree’s eyelids flutter shut as she drifted off to sleep, and while he knew he should lay her back in her basinet, he cuddled her close to his chest. He felt like having his arms around her would prevent terrible things from happening to her. He felt like he was keeping her safe. He was doing for her what he couldn’t do for his wife. Ashton let the feeling of guilt swallow him whole; silent tears fell from his eyes and on to his pillow.  
Ashton carried the guilt into the next morning. As a result, his whole body ached and he felt like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs, but he had to power through. He chose to do things that would require little brain activity, so he strapped Audree to his chest in a baby carrier and began to clean. There was almost a week between now and last time he had spent any significant time cleaning the house. Everything was a mess and he thought that maybe if he organized it, as his wife would, he might feel a little better. Moving around the house was proving difficult, though. Everywhere he turned, there seemed to be another photo of Allison, and he couldn’t handle seeing them. Each one was a moment in her life, frozen in time. She looked so happy, so alive, and it tore a hole right through Ashton’s heart.

The rest of the day proceeded to be fairly uneventful; Ashton did nothing but clean and take care of Audree all day. Anytime he came across a photo of Allison, he would lay it face down. He didn’t have the strength to actually put the photos away yet. Once the house was clean, he switched to doing laundry. For such a mundane task, it drained his energy just to finish one load. Allison’s clothes were majority of what needed washed and each time Ashton picked up something of hers, he couldn’t help but inhale her sweet scent. His whole body ached with how much he missed her. He was doing his best to hold himself together, but everything just felt so overwhelming. The next few days passed with little shift in the routine – Ashton went through the motions of being a new father and having to do it all alone. He felt completely abandoned in the world. He was still blaming himself for what happened.

When Audree was nearly two weeks old, one of Ashton’s closest friends – Luke – came over. He was meant to help with cleaning and doing some grocery shopping, but when he showed up, there wasn’t much to do. The cabinets were completely stocked and the house was in immaculate condition.

“Mate, how many hours have you spent cleaning?”

Ashton looked up from changing Audree’s diaper, “not too many.”

Luke laughed a bit, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this clean.  
”  
“Allison liked it to be clean; I just always made it a mess. I wanted it clean for her.” Ashton shrugged and Luke watched him with concern.

“Ash…” He sighed. “Maybe you should go see her. Take Auds with you.”

Ashton just shook his head, “No. That won’t help.” He finished changing Audree and got her dressed. She fussed and squirmed on the floor then started to scream. Ashton immediately got a look of panic on his face.

“I think she’s hungry,” Luke offered.

“How do you know that?”

“She just sounds hungry.” So Luke got up, made Audree a bottle, and brought it back to Ashton. Once it was in Audree’s mouth, she stopped crying and fussing. Ashton pouted a little. To him, all of her cries sounded the same. Even though he had been told that babies have different cries for different things, he could never tell them apart. The fact that Luke could figure out what Audree wanted so easily made Ashton feel like a failure. He wasn’t cut out to be a father in the first place, but definitely not on his own. He was terrified and felt unworthy, but admitting his doubts wasn’t Ashton’s style. So he just kept quiet, and when Luke went home, he was left alone with Audree once again. She was content with him for an hour or so, but then she grew fussy. The longer it took him to figure out what she needed, the more she fussed and then the fussing turned into crying. He didn’t know what she wanted. He already tried changing her, feeding her, cuddling her, bathing her.

No matter what he tried, Ashton could not get the baby to stop crying. So he did the only thing he could think of; Ashton bundled up Audree and loaded her into the car. With her still screaming, he made his way to the hospital. Once in the building, he knew exactly where to go and he went there with his daughter cradled in his arms and tears threatening to spill over. Audree’s crying stopped almost as soon as he crossed through the door, into the stark white room. The only sounds were those of the machines, breathing for his wife, pumping blood through his wife’s body – keeping her alive. It was a terrible sight, yet still a very comforting one. She wasn’t gone yet. She still had time left on Earth. There was still hope in Ashton’s mind that she would make a full recovery and his life would go back to normal.

He sat down in a chair at Allison’s bedside and looked at her face then looked down at his – finally – calm daughter. They looked so much alike and it pained him that the mother of their beautiful little girl wasn’t even able to see her.

“I wish things weren’t like this,” Ashton whispered to no one in particular.

“I wish you were here,” he spoke to his wife, hoping she could hear his words.

“I wish your mommy was here,” he spoke to his daughter, hoping she would remember his words.

“I miss her so much. You would have liked her, Audree. She gave the best cuddles. I think if she was here, you would be happier and wouldn’t cry as much.” Ashton looked at his little girl, and she was looking up at him. Her green eyes sparkled in the light and she seemed to be thinking about what he was saying to her.

“She loved us both so much, she told me so every day. We would cuddle after I got home from work, and we’d both talk to you for hours. Do you remember that, baby girl? Do you remember mommy’s voice?” As the sentence left his lips, alarms started to sound from the machines hooked up to Allison. The noise startled Ashton and sent Audree into another screaming fit. Nurses and doctors rushed into the room, one of them urged Ashton to leave. He backed out of the room and stood in the doorway, as he watched the chaos before him he leaned down and kissed Audree’s forehead.

“I hope I get to hear her voice again…”

Ashton took Audree home and put her to bed. He waited up for the call that said Allison was okay and stable, but it never came. It wasn’t until nearly three in the morning that he finally fell asleep, but the baby woke him up every hour. He fell into this cycle of waking up only to take care of Audree, and he would go back to sleep as soon as she was asleep. He didn’t answer the door when people knocked, he didn’t answer his phone when people called. Ashton had lost all motivation to live. The only reason he kept himself around was because of Audree; she needed him and he wouldn’t leave her like that.

This went on for three days. Ashton was destroying himself. He was in a downward spiral until the hospital called to report that Allison was finally stable, but he should come say his final goodbyes. Those words echoed around in his head.

Final goodbyes.

Final goodbyes.

_Final goodbyes._

Ashton refused to say goodbye; he wasn’t ready to lose his wife for good. As long as she was still in the hospital, still on those machines, there was a chance of her recovering. Wasn’t there? The hope that she would be back one day is what kept him going. He couldn’t stand the thought of Allison being gone forever; the thought made him sick. Instead of saying goodbye, Ashton made the decision to spend every night at Allison’s bedside. He always brought Audree along and told both his girls stories. Oh, how he would try and make up his own stories, but he usually just tell them the story of how he and his wife met and how their little girl made them a family. It was his favorite story, but it always ended right before the car accident. His logic was that it wouldn’t become part of his story if he never told it.

He spent a lot of time speaking his mind as well. There was so much going on inside Ashton’s head, so much that no one could understand, and the only person he had to talk to was an infant. So he told his wife. He always started the visit by telling Allison of the weather, and then he would discuss the latest news topics. He would go into how Audree’s day went, and then how his own went (even though they were practically the same thing). Ashton would tell her of all the things he hopes to do with her, as soon as she wakes up and can return home with him. It went on like this for three weeks. Allison went three weeks, her condition unchanging. The doctors were hopeful that her lack of coding meant her body was beginning to repair itself.

They planted this hope in Ashton’s mind and it blossomed. Everyone Ashton knew was being updated on her condition. He prepared their home for her return – making sure everything was clean and right where she would want it. He began telling Audree more and more things about her mother. Sometimes he would show her videos of Allison so she knew what her mom sounded like and wouldn’t be confused when it came time to hear her voice in real time. He was so excited that his dreams for the last several weeks were finally coming true. Allison was getting better. Soon, his family would be complete for the first time. The only problem was that Allison wasn’t even awake yet. She showed no signs of movement or increased brain activity. Her body showed no signs of trying to breathe on its own. The only thing Allison had done was go without nearly dying for a few weeks.

With Audree in stroller, Ashton made his way back to Allison’s room and went about the usual conversation.

“It’s rather windy out today; Audree doesn’t like it and cries anytime we’re outside. I think you would like it though because you like kites and it’s a perfect kite day.” The only response was the beeping of all the machines hooked up to his wife.

He sighed, “It looks like America’s about to elect a new president! Oh, and another state over there has passed marriage equality. I heard that on the radio while driving here. I think it was Utah, maybe.” The machine that kept track of Allison’s heartbeat replied with a slightly unsteady rhythm.

“T-today Audree tried rice cereal.” Ashton watched all the lines and numbers move about the screens around the bed.

“She spit out nearly every bit I fed her.” The beating returned to an even pace and Ashton let out an audible sigh of relief.

“I don’t remember too much about my day. I always just look forward to coming and seeing you because I miss you.” He bit at his lip. “I miss you so much. I hate not having you at home. Why did I decide to leave your parents’ when it was storming? I made such a bad choice. I’m so sorry, Allison.” He looked down at his daughter sleeping next to him.  
“I’m so sorry, Audree. I made a stupid choice and now you don’t have a mommy around to guide you through life.” Ashton looked to the machine as he noticed that the beeping had started to slow down and he felt like his heart was going to stop right along with hers. Before any alarms sounded, he took Audree and left the room. On his way out of the hospital, he could hear alarms sounding and alerts of “Code blue, floor 3, room 86” over the loud speaker. He tried to ignore them all and pretend they weren’t about his wife, but he could feel himself begin to shake with the knowledge that they _were_ about Allison.

Walking out of the hospital was like stepping right into hell. There were paparazzi everywhere and they immediately surrounded Ashton. It had been years since he had to deal with any sort of mobbing and this all made his head ache. He felt like he was suffocating.

“Please move before you kill my daughter and myself,” he shouted at them.

“Ashton, how is your wife doing? Is she recovering?!”

“Ashton, Ashton Irwin from former band 5 Seconds of Summer, over here!”

“People are saying you’ve got your wife on life support. Why are you making her suffer?”

“You should take her off the machines and let her be in peace!” Ashton pushed his way through the crowd. He was doing his best to protect Audree while ignoring everything that was being yelled at him, but he could feel himself grow weaker with each word.

“Ashton, tell us why you’re making machines keep Allison alive!” As he moved passed the last few of paparazzi, he shoved them away with his shoulder. Everything they said felt like blades cutting through his skin.

Once he was home, he put Audree to bed and called his mother.

“Mom, I can’t do this,” his voice was raspy and out of breath from fighting back tears.

“Do what, Ash? What’s going on?” His mom sounded concerned and he was annoyed that she didn’t already know what he was going through.

“Allison. I can’t deal with it. When I left the hospital today I was surrounded by paps.”

“Oh dear. Ashton, what did they say?”

Ashton paused for a moment while he tried to catch his breath. He was shaking and he couldn’t control it. “They were yelling at me for having Allison on life support. They said I should take her off of it, let her be in peace.”

A sigh came through the phone with a bit of static, “Well maybe you should. She’s not improving, honey. I don’t think she’s going to ever come home.”

He could feel the tears stinging his eyes as the threatened to spill onto his cheeks. “How could you say something like that? She’s my wife! She’s Audree’s mother! I have a child with her. She’s my best friend. I’m not going to just let her die!”

“Ashton, don’t you think you’re being a little selfish? She’s suffering.”

The shaking got worse, he felt like someone had their hands around his throat, and tears were rolling down his face. “I can’t just leave her, mom. I can’t.” Then Audree’s cries came from the other room.

“Audree’s awake, I need to go.” Ashton hung up the phone without waiting for a reply from her and slammed it down on the counter a little harder than he meant to. As he walked back through the hall, Audree’s cries grew louder and more urgent. She sounded panicked but he had no idea what was causing the panic. Her screams pierced the silent air around them. Ashton balled up his fists and stared down at his baby girl. He didn’t know what to do.

“Stop,” he whispered out of desperation. She persisted, growing evermore upset.

“Audree,” his voice was weak and broken. She didn’t care. She never cared. It didn’t matter that his heart was broken. It didn’t matter that his wife was dying. It didn’t matter that everyone was harassing him because they thought he was selfish for having hope. It didn’t matter that his life had been terrible since the day she was born. She wanted his attention.

Ashton raised his voice, “Audree, stop it!” The sudden burst of his voice startled her into silence, but that only lasted a few seconds. Her wails filled the room like a thick smoke and Ashton’s throat was closing in on itself.

“I don’t know what you want,” his throat burned from the force he used to get those words out. He needed to leave. Now.

He left the room and closed the door behind him, but he could still hear Audree. She wouldn’t stop crying. The screams and cries bounced off every wall in the house. They occupied every corner. Ashton moved to the kitchen to be as far away from the nursery as he could. Audree’s cries still met his ears. He couldn’t take it. He screamed on the top of his lungs. He punched a hole in the wall by the sink. His eyes focused on a photo of Allison, he picked it up, and threw it against the wall. Glass shattered everywhere. The sound of it made Ashton freeze. He looked around at the damage he’d done and sank to the floor.

Ashton’s shoulders shook uncontrollably as he pulled his head to his knees. His sobs filled the air and mixed with the cries of Audree. Their misery met and mingled with each other. Somehow, they found solace in the sound of the other’s pain – both Audree and Ashton grew quiet. Minutes passed before Ashton recognized the silence around him. He stood, feeling calm, and wiped the tears from his eyes. The first thing he saw was his guitar in the corner of the living room.

It felt right to be sitting in the corner of Audree’s room with an acoustic guitar, singing Allison’s favorite song.

“ _This is my love song to you, let every women know I’m yours. So you can fall asleep each night, babe, and know I’m dreaming of you more._ ”

Ashton couldn’t remember a time when Audree had been so quiet or still. She listened to the sound of his voice and how it was met with the sound of the guitar, and she was calm. In that moment, that tiny moment, Ashton felt happy. He felt okay. He knew he could do this, even without Allison. He knew she would be around in spirit and he felt like that was enough. It took him seeing the guitar to realize that she was already gone. Since the very first time Ashton hear her flat line, she was gone. All she was now was a body – a shell – hooked up to a bunch of wires. The wires kept her body alive, but not her spirit. They didn’t preserve her, who she was.

A few days passed. Ashton wanted to be sure he was strong enough to go through with the decision he was about to make. Audree kept him going, though. She helped him pushed through. He was starting to learn what her cries meant and how to help her when she grew to be so upset she could barely breathe. All it took was his voice, and he felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. He was doing it, though. He was being a father, on his own, and he felt like he was doing pretty well. Ashton avoided going to the hospital, or even thinking about it. His focus was on getting things figured out at home. He really wanted to be the best dad he could be to Audree, but the time did come when he had to go to the hospital.

Ashton walked through the halls of the hospital. Everything seemed so quiet today, like the world knew what was about to happen. He had Audree in her carrier in one hand and his guitar in the other. Allison’s primary doctor followed him to his room. As Ashton sat down in the chair by his wife’s bed, he felt like backing out. Looking down at his daughter, he found the strength to push through. That’s what she was, after all.

With Audree asleep in her carrier and the guitar in his lap, Ashton played a few chords and nodded at the doctor. All at once, the machines shut off. The only sound left was the beeping that monitored Allison’s heart and Ashton’s guitar. He took a deep breath, ending things how he started them.

“ _I’ll never stop holding your hand. I’ll never stop opening your door. I’ll never stop choosing you babe. I’ll never get used to you._ ”

A long beep echoed throughout the room, drowning out the sound of Ashton’s voice. No one moved, no one tried to save her. The only reaction was a single tear from Ashton and the choked sounds of “I love you” falling from his lips.

“Time of death – 6:42pm.”

_**AUDREE: (female) French. “Strength.”** _


End file.
